“You kept me hidden, for no reason at all.”
At least that's what I thought. But you didn't keep our relationship a secret, you kept my love as a secret. There's a stark difference between the two—one is staying beneath the noise, the judgement, and the peering eyes of everyone, and the other was rejecting my love entirely; you giving me cold glances, ignoring me even if we bumped into each other, even as far as bullying me when your friends are around.
And yet, you still “loved” me in those encrypted chats we made for hours.
Well, I understand it. You have a reputation to maintain. You have to conform to the social norms, while I rot here because of those social norms you so desperately cling to. But even then, I have no right to be mad at you.
I have no right to even exist in your presence;
I have no right to be mad, because we were never together.
All those months, I regret it all; my assumptions, my inferences, and my longing for you. All this time, I wondered if you were truthful in our rendezvous every night. I wondered if you could show me off to your friends, even by a slim margin.
But now, I see it all; I wondered in the wrong thoughts.
No, I don't have to wonder if you were going to show me off and love me loudly, because I already know the answer. You won't. Now, I'll wonder how long I can keep on this charade of telling myself that this is okay. But even then, I know the answer: no, I can't take it anymore. I've been waiting for so long to tell you this in person, but you wanted to talk and laugh with your friends more. Since you'll ignore me as always, I will just tell you this:
I loved you, and I hate to say this, but I'm sorry for the disruption of your social standing that I caused you. Why couldn't we be like all the other couples? Was it because we were both of the same gender? I'm angry, but not at you. I'm angry because I let this happen to myself. I let myself be swindled by your promises.
I still have one more year seeing you, but not closely. I'll see you in the hallways or in your classroom. But always, remember this: you broke my heart into pieces, slowly and surely, and broke it even more by your promises of fixing it with your words.
I hate myself, and all the things you said.
Written by Aeternumia, Insight PH
Aeternumia, Insight PH is a dedicated campus journalist and contributor. Their insightful writing sparks meaningful conversations and keeps the community informed.
